latest issue

archive

about us

author profiles

guidelines

links

email

home

Why It Is of the Utmost Urgency That Democrats and Other Liberals Immediately Purchase Superhero Underpants
by Matthea Marquart

For decades, Republicans have gained power by taking advantage of a potent secret that Democrats also need to understand and exploit--any person can get any job as long as they wear superhero underpants to the interview.

Consider the process of getting a job. A good resume can only take a person so far; during the interview process, companies look for something intangible. Career counselors say the quality interviewers seek is complicated and that it requires self-help books or the support of a professional to navigate the maze of detailed interview must-have’s. But really, the only must-have is a pair of superhero underpants.

This technique works because any answer to any interview question sounds compelling when the speaker has a big, confident smile from thinking, “You don’t know it, but I’m a superhero and I have the underpants to prove it.” The superhero attitude infuses everything the speaker says. It basically hypnotizes the interviewer into believing that the speaker can succeed at anything, even if this belief is contrary to what that person’s resume demonstrates about experience, skills, or education.

It’s clear that Republicans must have closets full of superhero underpants, issued to them when they register with the party, and that they capitalize on this secret every day in unlimited ways.

For just one example of many, it’s too obvious to bother discussing the case of President Bush, but what about Vice President Cheney? He is frequently described as an evil puppet master, but is he smart and sober enough for that, or does he just do well in interviews?

Recall February 2006, when Cheney shot one of his biggest campaign contributors in the face, neck, and upper torso. About 100 pellets lodged in his victim’s body, causing a heart attack and entering the victim’s liver, and most of the pellets will stay in the victim’s skin for the rest of his life. We know from a member of the hunting party that people in the party were drinking before they went out hunting. Furthermore, we know that the shooting happened because Cheney heard something behind him, wheeled around, and shot without looking closely enough to realize that he was shooting at a large human being rather than a small bird. We also know that the day of the incident, Cheney’s guard turned away a police officer who went to interview the Vice President, so Cheney wasn’t interviewed until the next morning, when any alcohol would have passed through his body. Finally, we know that in spite of all these suspicious facts, the Sheriff’s Department immediately announced that they were satisfied that the incident was nothing more than a hunting accident and that they had already ruled out alcohol use or misconduct.

Conclusion: Cheney got out his Republican Party-issued superhero underpants for that sheriff’s interview. Maybe he avoided the interview that night because he needed the time to put together a whole superhero under-outfit, complete with superhero long-johns, a superhero undershirt, and superhero socks. Whatever the combination, he hypnotized the Sheriff’s Department and the media, and he got off with a mere warning for not possessing a required stamp on his hunting license.

For another example, look at the case of Patrick Rhode, former Chief of Staff and Deputy Director at FEMA during the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Before that position, he had no emergency management experience whatsoever, and his previous job was Deputy Director of National Advance Operations for the Bush/Cheney year 2000 campaign stops. He basically went from setting up podiums, chairs, and flags for speeches and rallies, to second in command at the Federal Emergency Management Agency, and his next career step was equally surprising. Both career moves can only be attributed to the power of superhero underpants; there is no other possible explanation.

Rhode’s work quality at FEMA was famously horrible. When the hurricane struck, he ignored the devastatingly slow pace of rescue aide to the region and called FEMA’s response “one of the most efficient and effective responses in the country’s history.” He and FEMA Director Michael Brown got caught by the press writing the following email exchange while New Orleans was drowning:

Brown (when asked if he was available for a phone call before a media interview): I’m just “sitting in the chair, putting mousse in my hair.”

Rhode: “Me too!”

In January 2007, he was hired as a senior advisor to NASA Administrator Michael Griffin.

Disbelievers may attribute the infinite number of examples like these simply to the Republicans’ notorious corruption, as detailed in the "Criminals and Scoundrels" report on officials in the Bush Administration, published by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. However, that does not explain how Republicans keep getting away with their crimes. Money and connections couldn’t possibly hypnotize a free press and a free society to the extent that the media and society currently appear to be hypnotized--the answer has to be something more powerful, like superhero underpants. This secret works because at heart, everyone hopes that a heroic politician will emerge from obscurity and save us, like King Arthur or Luke Skywalker. The yearning to be saved makes us keenly susceptible to the seductive power that radiates from people wearing superhero underpants, and it explains how superhero underpants works so effectively for public officials.

As for the origins of the Republican discovery of this unbounded power, there are two schools of thought. The larger school of thought includes people who acknowledge that although not all adults understand the power of superhero underpants, it is well known to children, who believe that a blanket tied around the neck or a pair of Catwoman Underoos can transform them into legendary heroes. These folks recognize that a likely way this secret came to the Republicans is through former Congressman & sexual predator Mark Foley, who resigned after six terms in the US House of Representatives when the media uncovered his sexual harassment of underage Congressional pages. Republicans had known about his actions for a decade, but evidence suggests that they needed to repay him for bringing the party this powerful secret, as Foley was made the chair of the House caucus on missing and exploited children. They must have made a real-life deal with the devil to get access to this secret, because while Republicans warned the underage pages from Republican districts to avoid Foley, they did not warn children from Democratic districts, thus providing him with easy prey.

A smaller school of thought disagrees about the origins of the Republican discovery, however, pointing out that actor Ronald Reagan could easily have brought the information with him when he began focusing his Hollywood-quality performances on promoting conservative politics.

There is confirmation that others can succeed using the Republicans’ secret, as Democrats and other liberals have begun using this power. In 1998, Independence Party member Jesse “The Body” Ventura was elected Governor of Minnesota. As a former flamboyant professional wrestler, Ventura had a deep understanding of the power of superhero tights. He must have kept a pair on at all times underneath his campaign suits, which explains his victory and high level of popularity during his time in office.

In the wake of Ventura’s success, some Democrats and other liberals have been spotted purchasing superhero underpants, and they are starting to get results. However, they are not moving quickly enough. It is of the utmost urgency that Democrats and other liberals stop stalling and immediately go out and purchase superhero underpants. If they would only take advantage of this simple trick, the possibilities would be limitless. The United States could stop global warming, end poverty, facilitate peace, and create a better world, all through the power of superhero underpants.

Matthea Marquart is proud to have had her stories read (and rejected) by top publications like BIG News, Harper's Magazine, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Mslexia, The November 3rd Club, and Stirring. She once had a story rejected less than one day after submission. She is a trainer by day and loves facilitating workshops for adults and teens on a wide range of topics such as multicultural matters, mentoring, and educational strategies. She can be contacted here.